im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
