Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
