My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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