he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
