Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
