you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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