He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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