oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
