I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
