im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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