I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
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I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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