Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
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I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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