Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
