i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
