Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
People in love make me want to vomit
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
