I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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