It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
