saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I faked an abortion last night.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
