I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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