we made out on top of his cat.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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