So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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