Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
