I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
