She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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