Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
