So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
