She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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