Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
