i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
