piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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