eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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