How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
