a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
