It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
