he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.