i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE