Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'