Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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