Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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