I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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