Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
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Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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