Fine. I'll sleep in my office
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
