win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
