Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
