He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
