I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
