I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
