I accidentally had phone sex last night
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
