how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
