I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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