Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
