I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
