She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
