My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had to coat check the pizza.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You ruined the universe
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
