I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
