i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
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If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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