I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
