I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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